"i won't let this burden bring me down"--lenka

i am currently sitting in the call room...on call. hoooping my pager doesn't go off as it has been since pretty much the moment the clock struck 5 pm, and my call duties began. owning a pager is totally NOT cool anymore. i can't wait til i can smash one against a wall. has it really been only 4 months?

i'm generally slightly, subconsciously anxious the night before my calls. i know that i must have some sort of anxiety because my sleep is always disturbed and i wake up ridiculously early. for example...today, though i wouldn't be on call until 5pm...i woke up with ease at 5am (my alarm was set for 630)...and i didn't even go to bed that early last night! if this was a one time deal, i wouldn't even notice it, but this is the way i always am...with every call. i'll be on again on sunday. i can pretty much guarantee that i'll be up by 6, staring at the darkness.

pathetic.

after a month of ob, i feel a little bit like i forgot medicine. that's not a good feeling to have. i'll leave it at that.

today i felt like a little lost lamb on one of the floors. it was chaos and my brain couldn't handle insanity. later, i realized that the nurses were changing shifts and docs were throwing in last minute orders before heading home for the day....and overall just a very bad time to be anywhere near the floors.

i think i broke my toes. there's an immense pain when i try to wriggle them. i'm just noticing this for the first time now. what's up with that? perhaps i should tell someone and they'll let me go home? i once had a med school prof tell me that she walked around with an iv in her arm because she was sick and on call and she needed to take iv antibiotics. i was like...uhhh...great...so basically you were a walking disease causing beast because you were too gungho to go home and take care of your sickness AWAY from others.

on a different note....that nanowrimo is starting on sunday. i still plan on doing it, though i'm wondering how i'll last if i have such difficulty even updating this thing! am i just unnecessarily stressing myself? sometimes i think so. what bothers me is i think i like it! ummm...since when did i enjoy stress?? what the heck? get me out of this world and back to the laid back sun and sand that i so fondly remember!

hah. it's been a while since i've been uber dramatic. that's about as much of those dramatics as i can muster right now. i'm feeling sleeping and thinking that perhaps i should take advantage of this quiet time.

oh yea...tomorrow (or the day after...though more likely tomorrow...i'll try to remember to tell you the story of an idiotic conversation i had. ugh...people)

here's to no admits!